For weeks now I've been consumed reading this http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com blog, blogs linking to it, everything I can to immerse myself in this little girls story. I didn't know her, but I feel like I know her from reading and watching video and looking at happy, adorable and beautiful pictures. I've cried, oh how I've cried. And I've once again been amazed by the power of the internet. I've worn purple, I've cried and smiled as I watch the purple flowers in my yard, and each time I've thought of Maddie.
It's not the first time I've seen the power of the internet--I work from home because of the internet (literally it's what the company I work for does. I found my husband online back before it was fashionable. Or acceptable even. I've found my car, our puppy, and 2 houses online. I've made fabulous friends, and lost some less fabulous ones.
Hmmm wait I had a point here and I totally went off target. Oh, right, grief. I read each post of her parents coping with their grief as best they can. I read the comments and I selfishly hope all these people who say "it gets easier," are right. Not just for the Spohrs, but for many of us.
My mom was everything to me. She was my #1 supporter, my best friend (even through the teen years) the one absolute ROCK in my life. She died 2 years 7 months and 6 days ago. And, if being able to tell you down to the day, how long it's been might give you an idea that I am no where NEAR being "better" or finding it "easier." Yes, I don't break down in tears 20 times a day. But, I also don't really feel the joy. I used to live, now I exist. But, I exist with a piece of me (technically I guess I'm a piece of her, but semantics right?) missing.
She's part of another story I'll be trying to tell on this blog, but I'm just getting my feet wet here, I have to work up to that.
But back to my point, I hope all these people are right and it gets easier, because I've tried therapy, I've tried overworking to the point where it's physically bad for my health and I'm not finding it easier.
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My mom just died in December after a very brief battle with cancer- I was not prepared for the possibility of her not being here. I was up in the attic of my parents' house trying to help my dad find the centerpiece she used to keep on the dining room table - when i saw all of the Christmas containers with her handwriting on them I burst into tears and had to leave the house. I cry every night on the bus ride home for work. At least every once in a while I do laugh when I think of her- When Alex Rodriguez got busted for steriods and then had the hip injury I was pretty sure that was my mom screwing with him since she blamed him for everything from the Yankees failing to make it out of the first round of the playoffs to the war in Iraq.
ReplyDeleteI'mnot sure it gets easier, but it does become part of the normal process. It's no longer something shocking, so it is part of the "new normal."
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